The Next Me

The next me, 

who will that be?

Slipping on and off different masks

playing different roles

One body

Multiple personalities, multiple lives

All of them are a part of me

but neither of them is really me

All so different

all strangers to each other, 

all familiar to me.

Would've gone on life with just one mask

but turns out that wasn't enough

have'ta keep changing and changing

always different person from the last

People tend to ask,

"which one is the real you?"

all I can say is

it depends on who you are to me. 

:)

when I think about
how it felt to burrow against your chest
how it felt to sleep on your shoulder
how it felt to hold your hand
how it felt to lay in your arms.

All those words you've said
they've blurred over so much time
some I remember, some I don't
but those I did
did nothing more than to hurt me
so I forgot those too.

However simpler feelings remained
feelings of physical closeness
feelings of your eyes on me
feelings of your love for me
they stayed, and haunted me.

love and life go on
and I to do
yet
everytime I remember your hugs
how it had felt to have something,
someone strong to lay against
the gaping hole in my chest becomes hard to ignore
the emptiness of my hands, bereft of yours



I'll forget you. I know someday I will.
All of it. You and your mouth full of promises, your hands full of miracles and your eyes full of dreams.
I will forget them all.

Get Out

Get out of my brain.

Get out of my head.

Get out of my memories.

Get out of my life.

GET OUT OF MY HEART.

Thanks. 

For She Who Laughed Most

Today was the funeral for the old lady who, in my memories, smiled all the time.

Every time we visited her, she was energetic, lively, laughing at everything. It never occurred to me she would leave us so soon. She seemed so healthy, vigilant in living her life.

But when I saw her lifeless body, I knew she was gone. Her skin was waxy, totally without the flush of flowing blood. Her eyes were closed, as if in a deep slumber, and as it was, this slumber will last...forever.

There was endless streams of chants, rituals, bowing and kneeling. Everyone was here today. Some people talked quietly in a corner, some teared, a particularly annoying Encik made stupid jokes about this funeral. I could tell, from their expressions, a few people would dearly like to punch him in his face.

It was really, really, really hot. It shouldn't matter, but it's so hot it hurts. I could feel beads of perspiration follow the contours of my face down my cheeks, gliding down my back. The baked ground emanated so much heat I could feel the warmth against my shoes. I didn't complain. It didn't seem right to make a fuss. Right now, that dear old lady could never ever feel anything again.

More chanting, more kneeling. Flowers were handed around to be thrown into her grave. Paper money for the dead were piled in a corner, waiting to be burnt. I could hear people sobbing, I could also hear kids laughing and running around. They didn't know her well enough to feel sad yet, they didn't understand she's not coming back.

Back then, someone-- her cousin or sister, don't know which-- cried hysterically beside her coffin. I heard later from my dad that the two old women hadn't been on speaking terms, they were forever quarreling for something or another. I wondered if she regretted it. Judging by her tearful face, I'd say she did.

During the Chinese New Year next year, there will be one less person we're visiting.

She lived a long full life, have tens and tens of children and grandchildren, and she laughed all the way. Sad that I was, I couldn't bring myself to feel grief for her departure to a new dimension. Perhaps there is an afterlife, and there, she would continue smiling her vibrant, sunny smile.

致姑婆，陈亚水。

我一直没有告诉你，其实看到那间 “For Yian" 的时候，我感动得哭了。

Keep me out of this

I know it isn't true, but it still hurts.

Please please pretty please, keep me out of this, won't you? Cause those jokes aren't funny, they're like blades to me, those words, the sharp kind that slices my insides to ribbons.

This is what I would have told you, but then I promised to steer clear of your way, and I want to keep my word.

Besides, this joke have nothing to do with me. I'm not the main character, I'm just the audience whose reactions are observed. Entertaining, I would say.

I wish they would stop. Rather, I wish these jokes would stop bothering me.

Really, there 's no point.

Tired

I'm so tired. I'm so tired of everything.

I'm tired of endless responsibilities, endless homework, endless exams, endless housework, endless duties. There are so many things I have to do, but there are only so many things I can achieve.

Sometimes I wish I could just get up, and leave.

But where would I go? No matter where I go I will have to learn to feed myself, I will became one of the billions that works tirelessly from morning til night, just to earn enough to live.

I'm tired of pretending, pretending I care or pretending I don't, being courteous even though the person in front of me is too childish and naive to be true. This is what people call growing, treating people you don't like with absolute politeness, but all this pretending is wearing me down.

Gosh, I'm so tired.

What wouldn't I do to stop all this right now.

Do you care?

I wonder about that a lot. Really. You can't miss a person you hardly remember anymore. But you can't forget a person you loved so much once a long long time ago. 

I don't even know know what kind of person you are now, who do you like, what do you do, where do you go. I know nothing about your life after me. You cannot feel for a person you know almost nothing about. What I feel, or felt, is limited to the past only.

So when I think about you, this is the once question I've asked countless times. Do you care? Do I care if you care or not?

遗忘

时间迅速前进着
抹杀一切曾经在意和不在意的
如果说爱都是虚幻的
只有痛是真实的
那时间就像水一样
把刺痛的伤痕抚平
把淌血的记忆模糊
渐渐的
连痛
都变得模糊了。

我几乎想不起来，曾经锥心的痛，是什么感觉了。

Matter

The River of Time flows rapidly

washing everything, 

eventually everything that once was important ceased to matter

Sometimes its more of habit than anything else

that keeps you rooted to the spot

looking in the same direction

In everyone's life

there will always be people

who matters, who mattered but not anymore

who  didn't matter before but will be in the future

who always did and who always will

But people who matters the most

isn't always the crowd your life rotates around

that person who always will matter

usually is a person who never will be yours

Who can tell who does matter to me and who don't?

Can't ask my brain, its not designed to answer emotional equations

Can't ask God, cause I believe God let us make our own decisions

Can't ask my heart, see, its missing.

Happiness matters, family matters, 

most importantly

I matter

no matter what others do

no matter what others think

no matter what others feel

I matter to myself

I matter to myself, even if I don't matter to you.

I matter to myself, and that's more than enough for me. 

About Gays & Les'

short, short post to vent off my frustration.

I don't get. I don't fucking get it.
What's wrong with GAYS OR LESBIANS?

I never really thought about it,
but ever since I knew this existed I never condemned them
after all, its the same right?
its love, and love SHOULD NOT be separated into categories-- acceptable and unacceptable.
And damn it la, if people gay or lesbian,
as long as they're not interested in you
its none of your freaking business right?
if this is what makes them happy, who are you to stop them?
God? well bloody hell, if God is as great as we all say
then He surely will understand these people.
He would not be the  limited, narrow minded set of rules
those idiots strive to make the world accept

how would you feel if you were homosexual
and your friends and family look down on you？
if you couldn't get the person you love
and still have to face the way people look at you
like you're abnormal, like you're unacceptable?
if you tell me you don't mind
sure la, go ahead! be stupid!

BUT, you don't mind doesn't mean others don't mind
they who dared to voice out the truth
are worth our respect beyond any other
would you have the courage to tell even if you know what you say will condemn you?
if you don't have, coward, don't look down on people who do!

there's this kind of people who cannot accept anything that is different
only people who think like they do are people
only things did their way are acceptable
or else?
So sorry, you are a weirdo, you are abnormal, you are unacceptable, you better get lost.

hell, this is the 21st century, stop thinking like a mid-century priest!

if you really are so loyal to your Bible, why didn't you complain when your mother used painkillers when she gave birth to you? Women those days aren't allowed to give painkillers while giving birth because the priests say that this is retaliation for Eve, who ate the apple in Garden Eden.

You say the Japanese is cruel, do you know how many innocent people are killed during the Purge? Burned at stake for studying Science? They killed a scientist just because he told them Earth rotated around the Sun! You're gonna be like that？ The only thing that guy did that was wrong, was being right! Can you accept this?   Of all those great things religions teach, you have to stick to these kind of cruel, narrow minded stuff.


Guess it was't so short after all. What the hell==

Anchor

To speak the truth
after all these times I've realized
there isn't anything you could give that I don't already have
All those bullshit about everything being okay when you're around
deep down I've always known what they are
--- one big pile of bullshit.

Memories blurred as time races by
and you faded into a misty dream
You became that one thread linking me to the
paradise where I get to dream with my eyes open
and reminiscent with my eyes closed.
I know even you cannot achieve such a thing
yet you became my anchor
in the storms of pressure, unhappiness, anger, fear.

Every time I'm on the verge of collapsing
you are my model who would always go on
Every time I fall down
you are the strength I need to stand back up
Every time I'm forced to the brink of madness
you calm my emotions with that laugh
blurred because I hardly remember it anymore.

How do you love something you are gradually forgetting?
Answer is you don't.
What you love, what you miss is far more than that one person
what you miss is those feelings you had when he was around
being cherished, being held up, being loved
When he's gone you're forced to
grow up, become mature, become independent, become strong
All those weaknesses are gone
and you're a much better human being
Good, ain't it?
Doesn't change the fact you wish time could unwind.

I guess somehow I still love you
in a past tense, hopeless kind of way
I love you 'cause you're my anchor
and I'll always love you
until I learn to sail without resting
no matter facing storms, typhoons or hurricanes.

Love & Like

Love and like
it's never the same
love is lots and lots of likes put together
and like is a teeny weeny bit of love

If like is a small portion of love
then puppy love is the pale version of adult love
puppy love does not promise
it does not require commitment

For months I tried persuading myself
my love is not love and mere puppy love
so I could know the pain wouldn't last
so I could hypnotize myself into believing
what we shared between us was childish
and never meant to last

But then deep down I knew I was lying
I still remember that pale, haunted look on my face
remember that helplessness, as if I lost direction in life
I know how my crying nights haunt my sister
I know how much my mom worried over me
only love can hurt this way
and remembering my selfishness
I'd hurt my family by allowing myself to get hurt

But then time came and went
and gradually everything's okay
I wonder if those tears that refused to come
are evidence I am healing
but if it is
why do I still feel suffocated inside?

What if I could never stop loving?
what if everything that went on between us
was never meant to be just puppy love?
what if...what if it's really love?