Different

I'm different, not the person I once was anymore, and this can't be helped.

To survive, I've got to move on. And to move on, there are things I have to leave behind.

Important things, essential things maybe, but forced to be left behind.

Without them, I'm not myself anymore, I might be the same, but somewhere inside I'm no longer the same.

No matter how much I laugh the sadness etched into my face will not fade, no matter how much I smile deep down I am still afraid.

What makes you, or anyone else for the fucking matter, think I could, would stay the same?

If change is what's gonna save me from drowning inside the pain of losing you, then so be it. I would change and change and continue to change, because be assured, I WILL SURVIVE.

Even if a part of me died, the rest lives. And while I live, living is what matters most.

Don't Tell Me

Hey,
If you found someone to love one day
Do me a favor---
Don't tell me.

You can love her even more than you ever loved me
You can want to be by her side 25 hours everyday
You can hate every inch that separates you
But please, please
don't tell me.

You might want to give her everything you are able to give
You might be willing to sacrifice anything for her
You might try to capture stars for her
It's all fine by me
But, please please
don't let me know.

Cause even when I know they're nothing but rumors,

They hurt, they really do.

有人给我一句话。

“就算你们复合了，你能够给他幸福吗？”

就是这句话，让我的爱止步了。

一直以来，我都自私的坚持

你是我幸福的理由

你的存在就是我幸福最好最好的理由

可是却没有想过

我

可以给你幸福吗？

你要的，我真的给得了吗？

我真的知道你希望得到的是什么吗？

心中那一点点希望也崩塌了

我为我的自私感到羞愧

我甚至不确定你还爱我！

我没有哭

我好久没为你哭了

那种冲动已经让让时间磨尽

残余的潮湿也只停留在眼眶

冰冷地燃烧

对不起对不起

没能够把幸福给你

所以才会看破

所以才会放弃

不是不爱了

而是明白没有资格爱了

如果爱是你的负担，

那我对你最后的爱

就是消除它。

你知道吗

就是本着这个结论

我尝试让彼此回到远点

停留在最单纯的友谊

当你对待我和对待每个人一样的时候

我能够告诉自己

我不再特别

于是我停止了

对你近乎痴傻的感情

一点一点

抽离

一点一滴

忘记

你很好

我永远都会这样觉得

能够陪你一生的女子是幸运的

因为她的幸福是你给的

爱你很值得

只是……该停了。

再见，

寂寞小子，浪子，傻瓜。

Busy

I'm so busy, I don't have time to think about you.

I lead a real full life, where every hour is packed, and every minute is used up. From school to tuition to RC, and my books and movies and family, you are hardly able to haunt me because, I don't even have the time to miss you.

I seriously don't know what you are thinking about, but for me, I think I've waited long enough.

Almost everything in this blog is about you, and it probably will always be so. I don't know if you are reading this, if you ever come and see what I am writing, or if you feel anything for my feelings. But in a way, I don't care. My life isn't just about you anymore.

Nobody stars in my life, except myself. Not even YOU.

囧之绕口令 囧！！

囧中自有囧中囧，囧囧中有囧终中 
囧适囧囧囧囧囧，囧囧囧又囧囧囧 
囧是商囧又或冏，囧中亦有囧中终   
囧亦囧囧，不囧非不囧，窘又不是囧   
囧囧有囧，冏又看似囧，那麼多个囧   
冏如加横又是囧，囧也看似冏  
囧，囧囧，囧中囧，囧中囧又囧， 
囧中自有囧中囧，囧囧中有囧中囧又囧 
囧囧囧非囧囧中有囧是囧囧又囧囧囧中有囧又看似囧 
囧囧中有囧囧囧，囧囧非囧中自有囧中囧 
囧又囧，冏也不是囧，冏中冏又非囧中囧 
囧中囧有囧也有冏，囧囧囧中没有冏冏自有冏中冏 
囧中囧非冏中冏，也并非窘中窘   
心中有囧则懂囧，念完才会囧

I just don't get BOYS

You pretend I don't exist, nevermind, many people are willing to acknowledge my existence, even with just a smile.

You ignore me, nevermind, you're not the first, and certainly not the last.

You talk to anyone around me except me, nevermind, there are many boys who would gladly strike up a conversation with me.

I don't know if you love me, or if you hate me.

I don't know what you are thinking, I don't know what the fcuk is going on inside your brain, whether its malfunctioning, or if the only thing wrong here is my heart.

I mean, its not even whole to start with, but you with your damn behavior still makes it ache and bring tears to my eyes. After I had swore to myself to NEVER, EVER cry for you again.

So okay, if you prefer us to behave like enemies, just tell me.

I'm not gonna stick to you like a LEECH.

I have my pride, and after all that you've done to my heart, I would appreciate it if you could spare it. It being my pride, I mean, there's nothing more you can do to my heart.

Cheers.

Float

If memories are water, then I am floating on it.

So many things that I do, say, and hear reminds me of you.
So many perfect moments of my life are moments with you.

Yet, as time passes, everything is gradually left behind.

The human mind is like a sieve, eventually old stuff are forgotten.
Even computers know how to delete data unused for a certain period of time.

It is like a Purge, our mind can only hold so many things, therefore it will eliminate the unhappy, unwanted, unimportant memories. It is a kind of self protection, this function, that enables to believe that one day everything will fade away.

You feel it happening, ever so slowly, but permanently. Nothing lasts forever, after all.

Not the weather, not the promises, not the people, not the memories, not us.

So people who are hurt by love out there, hang on, 'cause nothing lasts, not even pain.

=)

pain

Starry skies

A few days ago there was a major blackout in my neighborhood.

The house was totally dark, and I couldn't see a thing. So I went outside and sat on XXX( that big rectangular white thing with a fan like thing that comes with air conditioners...wtf is that ==) and watched the night sky.

It was really really really hot. My whole body was bathed with perspiration within minutes. But as I stared at the purple black sky, I stopped moping over how hot it is and sank into remembrance.

Somewhere across the Sarawak river, where the blackout did not hit, dots of light lit up the night.I could see Crown and Hock Lee real clear. This was not the first time I sat there, out on the XXX in my porch. About 2 years ago, before I had my own room, I had sat in this very place while talking on phone with that boy I admired but never had the guts to tell.

I had laughed there, cried there, felt happy, felt sad, felt loss. I would lean on metallic silver fencing while talking animatedly, allow my legs to touch the cement walls while staring wondrously at the night sky.

The stars have always been beautiful. Little blinking specks in the dark canvas of the night sky. Their light dancing in a cheery rhythm, watching over me.

Occasionally a car or two would pass by, and the rumble of motorbikes would break the silence of night. Once, I had laughter that fit in with the night, and although I had lost it, I never got.

That night, I had wondered if you were looking at the same sky, and thinking about me.

But when the power returned, I stopped thinking, and left the loss for the endless night to bear.

New Moon

In Stephenie Meyer's "New Moon", this was how Edward described his life to Bella after he left her.

"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars-- points of light and reason...And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."

When you left, this was what I felt.

When I lost you, I lost direction. Like Bella, family was the only thing holding me to sanity. It was like my life just blacked out, and I was left without a torch. I groped to find something to hold, and found nothing. I blundered around, trying to find light, and there was none. Those little twinkling lights from stars, how could they compare to your burning beauty?

I was alive, but barely. I walked on, searching, finding, denying the need to curl into a ball and cry. I fought away the pain, the sorrow, but there were always points when I would stop short and realize, there was nothing to find, there had never been more than this dreary, bleak existence I had succumbed into. There was no out. And that was when everything crashed in.

But my eyes are adjusting. I can see the stars now, I can find my way out. I know where to go, and what will be waiting. My eyesight are getting clearer, the stars are getting brighter. They would never be as bright as that meteor that shot across my sky, but they would hold me on to earth. They could provide me some measure of happiness, of contentment.

The loss will always leave a mark on me, but perhaps one day, someone would come along, and cover the scars gently with his hands.

Maybe someday, I would find a sun. Always there, never leaving, shining for me, and leading me on.

Smile

I'm smiling.

As much as I can, as much as I want. 

This smile used to belong to you, 

you who used to be the reason of its existence.

But now this smile belongs to me

because maybe its existence no longer matters to you.

I'm smile, so I guess I'm relatively happy.

Sure, there's those moments that memories crash in like a tsunami

and drown me in everything that once was my life

But so what?

I'm strong. I'll get used to it.

Damn. I AM getting used to it. 

Tears stopped visiting, 

because I would let them burn in my eyes until they stop trying to get out.

I'm smiling. 

With you, without you

what's the difference?

Okay everything is different

but life goes on,

mine do, yours do

with or without each other. 

So I'm smiling

in front of you, on your back, always smiling

laughing, shouting, joking

because these loud noises

they drown out the promises ringing in my head

they drown out everything you've ever said.